Coffee With E

Boundaries, Motherhood & Breaking Cycles | Coffee with E Brunch Series Pt. 1

• Erica Rawls

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Welcome to the very first Coffee with E Brunch Series. In this powerful conversation recorded live at Coda Rouge, five dynamic women open up about the seasons of their lives, what they’ve had to let go, and the boundaries that keep them whole.

One of the most powerful truths shared at this table: setting boundaries is  not selfish. Setting boundaries is love. From the hidden weight of functional depression to the guilt of motherhood, from breaking generational cycles to finding healing through faith, this episode is raw, real, and deeply relatable. You will laugh, cry, and walk away reminded that transparency is a gift.

✨ As one guest said, “There’s triumph in transparency.”

🎙️ You’ll Hear:

        •        The real meaning of “functional depression” and overstimulation

        •        Why setting boundaries is one of the purest forms of love

        •        Motherhood lessons, guilt, and raising sons with accountability

        •        Breaking cycles of silence and generational responsibility

        •        Faith practices and mentorship that provide grounding in hard seasons

        •        How honesty in safe spaces can transform lives

Special thanks to Coda Rouge for hosting our first brunch installation.

⸻

🔗 Sponsored by:

TOCH Construction • Allstate Insurance – Rob Shaw

Chavis Law Firm • Dirty Dog Hauling

💼 Powered by The Erica Rawls Team


#CoffeeWithE #EricaRawlsTeam #WomenInLeadership #NonprofitWork 

#BoundariesMatter #MotherhoodJourney #BreakingCycles #FaithAndHealing 

#SelfCareForMoms #GenerationalTrauma



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Speaker 1:

Hey you, you are about to be blown away with this conversation that we had Our first brunch installation of Coffee with E. We sat down with five dynamic women I mean all of them. They came with tissues. We started with lipstick. We ended with no lipstick. We went deep into real life conversations. I promise you you're going to have to sit down and get your popcorn, your favorite wine, if it's in the morning, get your coffee. If you're in the car, you're going to have to sit down and get your popcorn, your favorite wine, if it's in the morning, get your coffee. If you're in the car, you might want to pull over because this one we go deep Today's roast, never taking days off.

Speaker 1:

Like, really, let's think about this. Ladies, when it comes to self-care, it's very important, and one thing we can't do is to show off and say, yep, I'm hustling, I'm doing all these things, I don't have time for taking off. But guess what it's? Either you're going to take off or your body's going to take off for you. So this is what I want you to do. Another thing, if you're like me when it comes to not taking office, because you feel as though, when you leave that nothing's going to get done or the people cannot do the job the way you do it. Can I share something with you? It's arrogance. So either you don't have the right people in the right seats to do the job while you're away or you're too arrogant enough to allow the people that deserve to be in those seats to take them. So I'm sharing with you today take a day off. You deserve it. You know what y'all? I'm really excited today. Okay, because this is probably the first time we're off location. So normally we have it in these beautiful mansions and we have the luxury feel, million dollar conversations.

Speaker 1:

And Alicia actually answered the call. Ok, she answered the call to a post that I do probably once a quarter and I say, hey, who do you know I need to be in conversations with and give me some ideas? So people normally tag. And then Alicia, she said I ain't tagging her, I have her phone number I want to call. She's like you know what E. I don't know if you thought about this, but I think it'd be a great idea if we had a brunch similar to what we see online.

Speaker 1:

With what was it? Kirk Franklin. He had a men's den In the Kings In the Kings, yeah. So she brought it to my attention. I was like you know what? I just saw that and I thought it'd be a great idea if we do that too. So let's do it, let's do it. So within two weeks we got this together within two weeks. Only thing is we didn't know what place. So then, dear friend, up here, she said I got you and within a week we had a little establishment. So, true story, my husband and I before, no, it was after, I think it was confirmed, yeah, after it was confirmed we came here. I was like, babe, let's go to Cote Rouge, right, we've been there before. It's a great dining experience, so let's just go ahead and do it. So we came here. Now, this is his favorite place. He was just talking to the owners trying to figure out what he can do to help get more exposure. So it's just a great thing. So for us to have this conversation, this girl chat, here today, I'm really excited about it?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely, thank you for having us. You're so welcome. So okay, y'all I need a perfume here to help me with E. That's what we're really celebrating. We should have bought champagne today. He drinks it all, right, no, thank you. That's sorry. That's so great. She's paying the post stop no, we have coffee we have coffee, let's let's toast the coffee. Cheers to one year coffee with thee we love that.

Speaker 1:

Yes, thank you so much. I was about to lunch, right, girl? Yeah, my straw, okay. So let's get it started. So let's talk about the seasons in your life, like where you are actually in your life, right, personally or professionally. Um, yeah, and what, and what are some of the things you had to let go To get to this new season? Yes, so anyone that sees this or watches or listens to the podcast, they know that I usually start off with one question and we just go right into it Because we want to have a real conversation. So, yeah, and we're going to go as deep as y'all want to, or surface level, would you like to go Right? Me or them are going to go as deep as y'all want to, or surface level. Would you like to go Right, me or them, we're going to need to. Let's do that. We'll let them know. We'll let them know.

Speaker 2:

For me. I am in a space of getting to know myself, like this is the first time in my life that I'm living like completely by myself. I've never like I had my son in my life, that I'm living like completely by myself. I've never like I had my son when I in my entire life. I had my son when I was 17. So I've never not lived with someone. So I am in my own space, seeing what it looks like to just take care of me and find out what it is that I like and what I enjoy, and that's an interesting space to be in, like it is. It's really cool. It's cool.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes it's sad get a little weird, but it's what you do when you feel like you're alone, because always having someone around, I'm thinking I would feel alone, like okay at some point. Like okay, what's your support system? Like at I'd be saying you were, you've never been alone, so I'm assuming someone beside you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so it's interesting. I mean, I have a lot of company that comes over At least it was just at my house so I have a lot of company that comes over. But I'm just finding things that that I, like you know, I'm reading books. Denise sent me a book. I'm reading books. I am taking walks Denise sent me a book. I'm reading books, I am taking walks, I am learning new things, putting together a Lego flower bouquet. Like you know, I'm working on my client stuff, on my business stuff, like there's all of these things that I'm doing. Like you would think that your time wouldn't be filled, but I'm also like spending more time with God and kind of just figuring out like what does my life really look like and what do I really want my life to look like, that kind of thing. So do you think?

Speaker 1:

that you're really. Oh, we gotta do a break. Yeah, it is this. Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 2:

I told you it's amazing. Oh she, what is so good? Oh, carrot, yeah, it's carrot cake. You, it's amazing. Oh she would. It's so good. What is this?

Speaker 1:

This is good, yeah, it's carrot cake, but it's French toast. Yeah, yes, yeah, yes, oh, my favorite.

Speaker 2:

What did you get? That's the salmon BLT. That looks amazing. It really does. I'm going to wait for my carrot cake first, though we won't eat. I promise we won. We won't eat, we won't eat until everyone gets their food.

Speaker 1:

No, we cannot, we cannot. We have etiquette here. We have etiquette here who controls?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, 100%, spoil a little piece of bacon.

Speaker 1:

So, Madonna, we can't let you get off the hot seat just yet. So did you? Do you feel like you're now learning who you truly are? You said you've never been alone.

Speaker 2:

In a way like um, going on solo dates, like so now, instead of like trying to find somebody to go to the movies with, if I'm gonna go to the movies, I'll just go to the movies, and I always thought that that was strange. Like my mom used to do that when I was young, she'd be like, oh, I went to the movies and I'm like by yourself, I go. Or she would go to dinner like by herself. She's like like, oh, I went to dinner. I'm like, well, who did you talk to at dinner? Like what do you mean? Like whose plate did you share food with? And she's like no, I just went because I wanted to spend time with myself. And I just used to like attribute it to her being a Libra, like you know. But like I'm just learning that it's okay to do things by yourself and learn to Because by yourself and learn to because Madonna and I literally like are in the same season, so I became a mom at 18 with my my oldest son just turned 20, by Wilde.

Speaker 2:

I've been kind of like struggling with that over the past couple of weeks. His birthday was July 30th, so it's like a 25 year old.

Speaker 1:

That's wild right.

Speaker 2:

Like, and people were looking at me like you don't have a 25 year old. That's wild, right. Like, and people were looking at me like you don't have a 25 year old, right.

Speaker 2:

I do actually. Oh, but just like I just I think 20, come 2024, like summer of 2024, going into the beginning of the new year was like very much a lot for me, like finances, kids, like a lot of things were going on with my oldest two sons and like in a season of like well, for me it's kind of like dating back, going to first becoming a mom. Ever when you become a mom, you not that you don't matter, but you have like you're not first in it. So, since 18, I've had a responsibility for other people's lives. Now three kids, because I have three sons at this point and it's like you put yourself on a bad burner because everything has to be taken care of to make sure that you know they're good.

Speaker 2:

So, all these years, I've come into a space where, you know, I just bought a house three years ago just for you. Congratulations, here we go. But when I first got my house in 2022, I got into a relationship. It was like all these good things were happening. However, I was like struggling with depression and didn't know Okay, we're going to stop right there.

Speaker 1:

We're going to sit through Lord's Prayer, okay, and then we're going to eat. Who feels led to come pray? Is it going to be me, or who we help? It could be you, okay. Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for this food that we're about to receive for nourishment and keeping of our bodies. Bless the hands that currently prepare this food. Jesus, we ask and pray for fun, for fellowship and just for breakthroughs. In Jesus' name, we pray, thank God.

Speaker 2:

Amen.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker 2:

Where are we going with that? I just learned that I was depressed last summer, getting to see a therapist. I've never been to therapy before. Um, I didn't know that there was a such thing as functional depression. I thought people who are depressed literally be like laying in bed all day, crying, can't do nothing, don't function and I'm going going, going thinking I'm fine, but in reality I was struggling like with a lot. So, um, I had some like trauma that I had PTSD from, and also being overstimulated. So I felt overwhelmed.

Speaker 2:

But having the term overstimulated explained to me meaning you put a lot on yourself, you put a lot on your plate, you're trying to take care of everybody and do all the things. That's a lot and you need to fall back, sometimes a little bit and, like you said, you know, putting people in place to do certain things. However, I'm a single mom. I have been. So, you know, my household is my responsibility, my kids are my responsibility, my job. I work a full-time job on top of trying to, you know, aspire to be a full-time entrepreneur.

Speaker 2:

So, you know I was, I'm stretched thin. And then, of course, buying a house is a whole nother ball game in itself. So there's, you know the stress of that. And then you know everything wasn't a hundred percent with the house when I got it. So learning the responsibilities of being a homeowner, that's another episode. Alicia, honey, yeah, so it was a lot going on and then getting into a new relationship at the same time and then trying to be, oh, you could be to that person as well. It's just like eventually, I just kind of like take a little bit. So I was suffering in silence and I kind of feel like I still do a little bit.

Speaker 1:

So I think, as women, we do that kind of feel like. I still do a little bit. So I think, as women, we do that all the time. I don't know why we do it, I don't understand. So we think that being strong is not sharing our feelings, right, we just take it on the chin, or we may feel like people don't want to be bothered because we want to be the one that's just complaining all the time.

Speaker 1:

When, really, when you have conversations, you release yourself and most times I truly am a person of faith most times when you feel as though you need to tell someone that someone's supposed to give you I believe, has what you need to get to the next, whether it's a minute, the hour, day or month, whatever it is. So I take it upon myself if I feel as though, okay, yeah, I'm carrying a lot. This is what I've been doing lately and I'm just having conversations with someone. Instead of question, why is this coming up, I'll just, I'll just share it, because it may be just the medicine that person may need, right, right. So I want to challenge all of us at this table to stop holding on to our our issues. Our challenges are just the burdens that we carry, because, more than likely, you're going to do the same thing someone else is going through.

Speaker 2:

That's how I feel so I always say there's triumph in transparency, yes, uh, but we have to hold space. For how many times possibly was my vulnerability weaponized against me there? It is so if, if someone helps me or I confide in someone and you remind me of it, you'll never hear from me ever you will never hear about it again, right there.

Speaker 2:

So a lot of times we find you know, women a we're not having these conversations where, you know, alicia could say I was struggling and I feel like maybe I still am, and then I say me too. We don't hear that enough. But so then I'm looking at well, no, she stays beat to the gods. She's dressed flawlessly every time she walks out of the house. Everybody has said that exactly. And it's just like you don't look, like you have anything going on like, well, do you know? And if you don't take the time to stop and say I was struggling or I am, I would never know which. That makes me less hypely to say me too, or just the comfort and I'm not asking for you to have answer, but it's just like, okay, she is struggling, but still figuring out a way to get up and do this, and like I can too. So I think that that weaponized vulnerability. There is some apprehension from a lot of women. I would agree with that.

Speaker 2:

I did have some people reach out to you because I shared new year's day. I went to church service. Oh, because I haven't done bringing in the new year in church in a few years, because I've also had my struggles with the church for to show um, but yeah, just I needed to like release all that on the altar. And when I say, I literally cried my lashes off, like when I got up. Oh, that was good. That was that type of cry. But I was glad that I shared, because I got a lot of people who messaged me in private who said like thank you, or you know your transparency, because I've been dealing with a lot and you know I was, you know, grateful for that.

Speaker 2:

And I think, as far as like holding it all together or not looking like what you're going through, I think for a lot of black women that's like that's the thing Like oh no, I got to, nobody's going to know, because what happens in the house stays in the house, or what you know what, nobody's going to know what I'm going through. And even, like I could say, when I was the most depressed, I probably had some of my best fashion moments because I had to. I had to get dressed. I had to get dressed to get out the house. Like if I, if I really throw it on, then I'm gonna want to get up and go outside see, now you want to have me say are you good, whatever you need, right, right, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I had to like. I was like, no, if I, if I put this on, then I want to, I want to go outside, but that is very much a you know it is, it's a mask, it's like I got to. I got to put it on because I can't let anybody know. You know, and thank God for your close people because I think I have some credit out if I didn't have, like, my cousin that's my best friend my mom, you know, thank God, you know I still have my mom here to like vent to and talk to and you know I have other people that I could release to. If I didn't have that it would probably be craziness, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, just having those people that you can just like fully be transparent with, and of course everybody in the mama don't need to know your business and of course you're going to show up. You know, like you don't have any going on by at home when you ain't got no makeup on and I'm sitting on the phone. We be at the be on calls for six hours and we be like gross chill cock in the morning. We've been on the phone since 8 pm, like no conversation that we have, where we're not even paying attention to the time and just releasing, you know, those things that we need to. So I'm appreciative of that because I feel like I've been in a space of like stretching, especially when it comes to, uh, my spiritual spirituality.

Speaker 2:

Um, because my mom, when I was pregnant with my oldest son, god gave her some revelation that you know, don't worry about me, you know she'll always be all right, and she always reminds me of that. Yeah, like she's gonna go through some stuff, but she's gonna be, she won't be fine. So I always try to remind myself of that anytime I'm going through stuff. But we're human, so we always are gonna show like fleshly, like you know we're, we're dealing with stuff and I'm I'm trying to learn how to like, because even with learning, I was overstimulated.

Speaker 2:

That came with irritability and I was irritable a lot so and it was like reflecting in my relationship. It was reflecting with my kids. It was just reflecting and I was just like I need to find a way to kind of like get out of my head about things that I felt guilty about, that I just needed to be reminded. Like you know, some things are not my fault. I have to get over and past it, but I know I need that spiritual aspect in my life. It actually is so crazy that today I start a mentorship program. I don't know if you were familiar with Pastor Veronica Dixon, but she does um Journey Through the Heart of God and it's a mentorship program. It's like six to eight months long and today's the first day of it this evening. So I'm kind of looking forward to that because I need something to just kind of like get me together.

Speaker 1:

I think we all do. Yeah, I think we all have spiritual relationships, am I right? Yeah, so I think we all look for you know answers, and we pray For me. I meditate. I am not the same person when I don't meditate. So every morning I have to pray, I have to meditate, I have to journal and through those meditations I literally believe that he speaks to me like which way I need to go, and ma'am, when you were not supposed to reach out so early and talk ma'am, when you were not supposed to reach out so early.

Speaker 1:

It's just like she said we have these long conversations and we've been in each other's lives all of our lives and I've been a part of all the different seasons. I'm sorry, don't be sorry, no, keep talking.

Speaker 2:

Look at that.

Speaker 1:

She was now playing about the tissues. Well, the tissues are coming, thank you. There you go, baby. Yes, yeah, oh Lord, okay, I know yes.

Speaker 2:

Yes, I'll swing the tissues.

Speaker 1:

Past the tissues down. We appreciate you feel comfortable enough to even you know, share that side. You know what I mean, so I'm just grateful we had really Doing likes together forever.

Speaker 2:

And I had my daughter at 15, so I don't even Remember life before you know being a bonds. And, um, now my daughter's 27, so I'm about to be 28, 28, yeah, oh my god, she's crazy guys. My daughter's about to be 28, my son will be turning 22 and then I have a nine-year-old. We have babies together twice, twice our middle kids two days apart, literally really. Her son's birthday, which is my godson, it's november 8th, and my middle son's is the 10th. They're literally two days. And then our youngest are five months apart. Yeah, so kairrie turns 10 in December and JoJo turns 10 in May.

Speaker 1:

Wow. So you're all growing up together and we're best friends and our kids are best friends? Yes, they definitely are.

Speaker 2:

But yeah, I don't remember life before being a mom, because I've always been a mom. Even before having my kids, I was still momming with my sibling. So now I'm at a point where I was a single mom. I'm no longer a single mom, single mom, I'm co-parenting, but I'm co-parenting, you know, with someone who is a thousand percent present, active, and it's a completely different experience, even for me, and it's a positive. But I had to learn to.

Speaker 1:

I'm still learning to let go of the control. I'm still learning to let go of the control being in charge of all the decision making, not because I want to, because I don't want to make all the decisions because a lot of them I feel like I'm not even equipped to even make.

Speaker 2:

But I'm just so used to not having to consult with anyone, right, whatever?

Speaker 1:

you say though yeah, I don't, I'm consulting with someone. Is's, you know, a friend girl, what you think?

Speaker 2:

right not consulting with the other parent. So now it's just even nine years later, re, still, it's a process of training my mind to wait. Let me check and see if he thinks, um, and what do you think about this? How do we, you know, how do we want to raise him and what does that look like?

Speaker 1:

and uh, just, it's a completely new dynamic uh, for me and and you know what I hear when I hear you say that when, um, it's funny because I'm actually going to tie you into this uh, when we had one of our episodes in the past and talking about how, um, like, just the fear of one day that person's going to leave you. So you might as well just keep it together, make all the decisions and you'll get some space, but maybe not enough all the space, because, okay, just in the event, right, this negro tries to leave, or once decides to leave, that you're going to be able to. Okay, well, I didn't lose a lot because I'm still making all the decisions for myself, like you're just waiting for that shoe to drop. So, and I think there's a that's, it's like a a blessing and a curse with that.

Speaker 2:

I was raised by my grandparents and my grandma used to always say have a plan b, have a plan. Really. Don't put all yeah yep, my grandma's already. So this yeah, all your figure it out basket. And I say that meaning like in my previous relationship, it was the most vulnerable I had ever been in my life. However, I still had some guards up and some reservations about being 100% allowing someone to lead, because I've been running literally my family, the adults since I was a child Really, absolutely yes, I've been in my grandparents would consult with me about any and every decision that they made as a child.

Speaker 2:

Wow, I was going to say you was always very grown up though, like even I was saying earlier, like you was, even when we were, like we were kids. You were always very grown up, like, yeah, and as a small child I was very sheltered. Um, I was with ties to my room tip and I enjoyed that. I didn't know life outside of hanging with my, the seniors. That's probably why I have my gold soul.

Speaker 2:

Um, and then I came to Harrisburg, maybe around 12-ish, for a summer with my mom, who came to Harrisburg for a drug treatment program. Um, promise Place are y'all familiar with Promise Place? Well, I don't think it's around anymore, but they saved a lot of lives. Um, she was one of them. But so she came here, attended gadenzia and then transitioned into promise place. Okay, then they helped her, kind of like brethren, where they, you know housing and they'll get you on track with plans to be self-sufficient. So she got her first apartment. I come out here, I'm coming, you know, for the summer, just to visit her for a little bit. And I was so excited because I didn't, I never knew my mom suffered from addiction.

Speaker 1:

I had no idea, so they were shooting at you from the ass.

Speaker 2:

But there was a little too much protection. Okay, because I was oblivious to that other way of living, oblivious to that other way of living. So I come here for the summer and I'm like this is amazing.

Speaker 1:

I'm outside Right. It's fun Right.

Speaker 2:

Streetlights, where no supervision. I'm like, oh, I love it here. So I met one of my best friends, Paris, and we just had the time of our lives for that summer. But during that I was momming, which I never did. I didn't cook, I didn't do laundry, I didn't do. I didn't know how to do any of those things because I didn't have to. When I came here with my mom, she was like oh yeah, no, no, no, no, you wash dishes, you cook you watch babies and I I'm like so she raised you, like she's just an egg right.

Speaker 2:

So I immediately jumped into being in charge and, um, it's like, almost like, from that point on, I guess my grandparents were just like, oh, okay, she's, we've been babying her, but she's mature. And then it was like well, krista, I'm thinking about what do you think about this? Oh yeah, no, we should do that. Oh well, you know one of my uncles. Well, your uncle asked me what do you think? No, I don't think that's a good idea, because I'll start running the family, and it just went from there.

Speaker 2:

But I say all that to say, um, I'm at a place now where I'm like, probably, maybe like the last two years, I don't want to be in charge anymore, that's, I no longer want to be in charge. I want to just be in charge of me and my nine-year-old and I want to guide my grown children. But everybody else, no. I had to get to a point where I was comfortable with saying, not, today, I can't handle what you're calling me to suffer. Today. I can't handle it because now I'm carrying my baggage, I'm carrying her baggage, her bag. It's just too much. Did you feel guilty the first time? You said I did? Of course I did yeah, and in my I played it out in my head several times yeah, okay, when this you know, you have your people who are always calling on you. Okay, the next time they call, what am I going to say?

Speaker 1:

And I didn't want to be like no, that's fine.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely I had to. I had to because I didn't want to not be there because it's like but they need me, but then I need me, my kids need me, but then I need me. My kids need me and they need the best version of me and I can't keep depleting me and giving them the scraps, because that's what was happening. My family was getting the scraps, even yourself, yeah, right, exactly, um, but everybody else was getting the best. So for me to say, I had postpartum. After I had josiah, I was in denial, not me.

Speaker 2:

I could never I couldn't tell it, not me, no, um, I didn't tell anyone. I was embarrassed and I'm like, now that I'm thinking about it, stars about having both. I no, because I'm the strong person, I'm the one everybody comes to for everything. So it's like I can't say, hey, I'm struggling myself because I want to be present for everyone around me, because I've always been present for everyone around me since a child. So now I'm just getting to the place where, if I can't mentally handle it not today, so how did you get through postpartum I?

Speaker 2:

barely got through it, but.

Speaker 1:

Well, clearly you did. You're sitting here with us.

Speaker 2:

Well, yes, it was definitely a struggle because when you're going through that, initially I didn't know I had postpartum. I didn't know what was going on because I lost my grandma. So I was grieving and I, the way I grieve my grandma's loss, like some of the, I still can't even. She's been gone 10 years and it just still feels like she passed just about. I don't think I've ever loved someone so much, because that woman was everything to everybody. But for me I was her child. I was her granddaughter and my mom. She got pregnant while attending Cheney. The plan was for my grandparents to take me temporarily until she finished school. Well, while attending school she started using drugs.

Speaker 2:

Don't know what her drug choice was in that period, but she started using drugs and me being with my grandparents ended up being a forever thing.

Speaker 2:

So my grandmom quit her job and became a stay at home mom of me. I mean, she brought me home from the hospital, so I was her child. Really, yes, yep, and I just never left. Oh, wow, yep. And I just never laugh, oh, wow, yeah. And there would be periods, like I was talking about earlier, where I would come to wherever my mom was trying to get her life back on track, but I was, like I said, very shielded and I didn't know anything about drug addiction or my grandparents never spoke about it. Yeah, anytime I asked, it just was like, oh, you know, she's figuring things out, or, um, never did they say she's on drugs. I didn't find that out until I came to Harrisburg and, uh, saw some paraphernalia and I'm like, well, what do you do with this? That had to be a lot. Yeah, right, to go from being in a hole. You know about just eaters Watching the stories all day.

Speaker 1:

I mean that's the best life. What Like the best life what?

Speaker 2:

Like the mayor of General.

Speaker 1:

Hospital.

Speaker 2:

Right, well, her two TVs. You remember the two TVs? Yes, TV on top of the TV Blasting. Yes, what.

Speaker 1:

You got to catch both of your shows Two.

Speaker 2:

TVs two different shows, and they're both on level 100.

Speaker 1:

And I'd be sitting here laughing so hard to follow.

Speaker 2:

But yeah. So then, coming here and just finding out that there's a whole nother life outside of the box I've been living in and a part of me, I was very uncomfortable, but I wanted that relationship with my mom, of course, even though my grandmom, like my grandparents- are everything.

Speaker 2:

But I still wanted that relationship with my mom and regardless of what she did and how she made me feel, because momming was not her thing. She didn't know how to be a mom because she suffered from mental illness for one. And then you add some addiction on top of mental illness, it's a recipe for disaster. It really is. But the classic part about her is she was an amazing grandfather. Well, she was really is. But the classic part about her she was an amazing grandfather. Well, she was in the aunt to our boys, meaning like when they were growing up, she just, I don't know, that was like her trying to make up do yeah word, but she, she, she did. She was amazing. They loved her to death.

Speaker 2:

You couldn't tell them nothing yeah but the problem of that with being a mom and, you know, being that mama bear, it's like I'm not subjecting my kids to any exact richness I was subjected to, so we almost had to micromanage their relationship with her and as much as our kids enjoyed going with her, we had to put those restrictions.

Speaker 2:

Sick cards yeah, because ain't no telling where the kids would be and as much as our kids enjoyed going with her, we had to put those restrictions, sick cards. Yeah, because ain't no telling where the kids would be or what they could see, you know, when being with her. So sometimes it'd be a little bit too much exposure. But you don't want to not allow them to build that relationship with her. But you definitely had to monitor it.

Speaker 2:

A perspective is interesting, right? So your perspective is like she was great and immediately you're like well to her. Yes, because they don't know nothing about like what her extracurricular activity that was. We knew, so we had I more so have a closer relationship with her than krista did, because krista just had her right with her from like growing up and what she had to experience with her. So a lot of the times she would communicate with me with stuff. However, she loved her grandkids and that was, like her, her main thing, that she wanted to make sure that she had a relationship with them and it was a matter of, like Krista said, trying to protect the kids from knowing what her life is really about, even though she's taking them to the store and buying them candy and they're having movie nights and doing all the fun things. She was also probably trying to make up for lost time too, like trying to redeem herself or atone for the things that she had done. So but in her, for from our perspective, the kids didn't look at her, but nothing much.

Speaker 2:

You know, grandmom, and I'm ronnie, and she was there, this amazing person which is great because they probably, you probably protected them the same way your grandparents protected you from her, and kudos to you for, um, being able to allow that and, I'm sure, fight the feeling of, well, why not me, why not, like I was not enough enough. You're right there. Oh, you know, she made it. Yes, she is. You cared about them, so you have the capacity because I see you doing it. So what was it like about me? And I did have to struggle with that.

Speaker 1:

Feeling like why couldn't I have my mom? Why wasn't IMF to? You know, get off the drugs. Yeah, Like I said, I don't know life before being a mom, I will lay my life on the ground, for my life, I'm going to play with my kids.

Speaker 2:

So I just can't. I couldn't never wrap my head around why, birthing this beautiful baby that you just love oh so much, you just boast about, and then it's like okay, here, mom, give me off to your parents, and you go lick your Now. Did she raise her step? She didn't raise any of her children.

Speaker 1:

So when your mom was growing up, right, it was almost as if Well for parents, right, but it was almost as if, okay, don't know, were your mom and dad together? Were they married at all? No, they were never married. I was when you were growing up in a society where you know, you grow up, you have children, right. It wasn't like it was a choice.

Speaker 1:

Although some women in that generation had the strength to speak up and say, no, I'm, I'm okay being without a child, most of them had children as soon as they were like 19. Right, um, cause, I know to this day, or way my mother raised us was hey, you gotta figure out who you are first before you could become a we, so you know who me is before you become a we. So maybe and I know that if she had to do it all over again, she probably would have waited to have children, just based on the conversations that she has with her daughters, now that maybe your mother, you know, put in a situation she felt as though, well dang, okay, I had this child, I thought I wanted children and now I'm deciding that I don't, and then she didn't know what to do. So her escapism, not making excuses at all, right, but just maybe looking for a perspective of okay, so why did she choose not to want to raise, you know, a child? Well, that was actually the best decision.

Speaker 2:

That's where I needed the idea, so she was selfless in a way. Yes, I would, absolutely. I would say that, um, because that was the best dream yeah, what a big yeah, that experience at all. Yeah, see, right, because the little periods of time that I would um be with her, we'd be here all day talking about those experiences. But, yeah, she did the best thing by allowing my grandparents to raise us.

Speaker 1:

But yeah so.

Speaker 2:

I just felt like I could go down the regular hole. We love it we love it. That was a lot. We have some grooms huh, that was a lot. That was a lot. We have some room, Tom. That was a lot.

Speaker 1:

You know what? You literally just helped somebody. Yeah, I promise you, you helped somebody. So thank you. And I'm getting choked up. Can we talk about the food real quick? The food is amazing. The food is so good. Try to stop crying. Almost gone, I know, right, right, are you able to eat? Did anybody eat? Yeah, I ate. Yeah, it's delicious. No, it is. It's really good. It is, it is really good. Yeah, so she told me I forget. I asked for a surprise, but it's really really good. I don't know what it is. It's like a omelet with steak and it has rice in it.

Speaker 1:

There's even some ketchup in it, like I'm just like Because I love ketchup with eggs and I never had a booth like that. I love ketchup, that's such a thing. So it's really good and it tastes like it might have like a little bit of barbecue sauce in it, so yeah, yeah, chef, yes.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, we love it. Yeah, chef, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, we love it. Yes, mr Shonda, so she's our community relationship pro. I don't know if y'all know this or not, but she hates the title. She hates it. Did you know why she got the title? She's doing her man, since she was maybe eight years old I was not hey.

Speaker 2:

Hot eight years old. I was not eight Hot third grade. I was not going to go together this third grade. So clearly she's going to go together. Real bad. She said she was on the playground. Like that's my man.

Speaker 1:

No, literally, literally.

Speaker 2:

I was here before all y'all been together.

Speaker 1:

Oh my goodness, this year made 32 years Some of them to be with teenagers. They've been married to one this year. Oh my God, I think they're qualified. That's right, absolutely. That's like the same as forever. Yeah, it is, that's what it's about Forever.

Speaker 2:

As soon as I heard your accent, I said she from New York. Yeah, Me too. Forever. And as soon as I heard your accent, I said she's from New York yeah, me too. I said I was born in Harlem Hospital and I also live in the Bronx. I'm from the Bronx and I can hear it. It's from Harlem. Okay, that's my new. You're definitely sounding like your body. Yeah, Brooklyn, sound a little different than that. She's had her talking on the Zoom the other day.

Speaker 1:

I was like she's from New York, that's right the day I was like she's from New York, that's right, so she's almost at a little disadvantage. Actually, both of us are. Y'all are. No one knows this, but now they know we're going to catch on the back. Y'all four know each other.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, me and her know each other, oh wow yeah and we wanted to have a conversation like an open conversation, because we always see each other from afar you know what I mean and we admire each other. Absolutely good energy. So, yeah, her and I are at a disadvantage, but we catching up. Yeah, we catch it up only because it's amazing that you could be from different places.

Speaker 2:

yeah, the same experience. Yeah, I was relating to you when you talked about the irritability and it was something that my children actually were to about eight, probably about two years ago. I was like, why am I doing that? And I found it regular that it was a thing like, yeah, I get irritable quick. I didn't know in this situation. So I realized that undercover it was anxiety, stop being able to control the situation, the time, whatever, and then trying to wait, wait, hold on a minute or by snapping and being snappy. And then I realized that it was about creating boundaries. So this year, as difficult as it was, it's like I'm creating boundaries. Um, the first time I did it, I cried myself into a nap guys.

Speaker 2:

I seriously did. I came home from work I had a really hard day at work a student that I was trying to get to graduate I just knew it wasn't gonna happen and I felt kind of the fear. So I came home and I was already like feeling the way and my girls kept calling and God bless them, I love them. But sometimes they just call about stuff that's like, in the grand scheme of things, it's not important to me at this moment. Yeah, so I sent a text and I was like I love y'all a lot but I'm not taking any phone calls for the rest of the day if it's an emergency. You said that to your kids. They didn't take that to a lot. They didn't.

Speaker 1:

It took a lot for me to do it, and it's the reason I cried myself into the nap.

Speaker 2:

But when I woke, up from the nap, I just felt so good about setting the boundary and I think that I probably cried myself to speak because, little Trishanda needed that. It wasn't even about 47-year-old Trishanda, it was about little Trishanda taking the control and setting a boundary. Because same thing I always do for people.

Speaker 1:

I'm always. She always does for people.

Speaker 2:

I literally call me to say anything. I'm there, I'm helping, I'm whatever. So and it it bothered me the most that it was my children that had to experience it first. But that is everything. For a reason, because now that I set the boundary with them for that particular day, it's easier for me to have the conversations with other people like hey, y'all, I'm not, I'm not coming because I just don't feel like coming.

Speaker 2:

I used to eat me up. That's the yeah, that's the part. Why is it so hard for? Convicted by my words, I don't want to go, yeah, like if I say I'm coming, I gotta go now because I said it out of my mouth, but it's like I really need to stay home or I really don't have to go or I don't have to be on every scene.

Speaker 1:

So I commend you for that it's integrity, that is, and it's a struggle because you want to show up for people.

Speaker 2:

But I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not feeling that today, or you know what I'm going to draw separately, because I want to be on my time too like those types of things.

Speaker 1:

You do be in jail like oh damn, sit in the house, right, I need you there. So great, either go. I said go, but I, I know, ever since I've done that, my irritability had dropped down so much because I'm able to control what I want to involve myself in, what I don't want to involve myself in what I want to hear, what I don't want to hear what I don't want to converse about that day.

Speaker 2:

I don't want to hear about politics that every day.

Speaker 1:

I don't want to hear about it. I don't care that. Hear about it. I don't care that Rihanna is pregnant.

Speaker 2:

No disrespect to Rihanna, but there are things that people just want to go on and on about. I'm learning how to put those boundaries in place. No, I'm not cooking tonight. Yellow grown enough to cook for yourself and being an empty nester now I had to take all of that back. Thank you, you're my priest, god, I ate it, I love it. We could have been that soon, but we decided to have more babies Fall in love. They said Afghans. They said who are they Exactly?

Speaker 1:

They was what.

Speaker 2:

That is so funny. It's the control. So when you ask about what is feeding, you right now it is relinquishing control Gurri, so my son.

Speaker 1:

Why is that so hard? These are so hard.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, my son is 21 21 and he's in college. Just went back this past weekend from his senior year, uh, and I tell him all the time ever since he's been young said I love you, make good choices yeah that's what our parting thing, our partying thing with.

Speaker 2:

And now up to a point where, like, if he catches a case, it's his, that's it. I can't write only worded emails. They can't fix it. I was the one going to the superintendent Like this is an injustice for my baby. Well, now, at 21, if you make like, the choice is yours, but so is the consequence.

Speaker 2:

And that is hard for me because it's just been the two of us for so long. I controlled everything, I made sure everything was okay, and so releasing, like, what I love the most into a world that doesn't love him the way that I love him, they don't know him the way that I know. Right, and not being able to control that. But I'm really dead at it professionally as well. Right is the boundaries, and until I started to view it as my own hubris, so tied to your, if I don't show up to work today, it still would stop. It's still where it's correct. It doesn't collapse. And for me to put myself in a position where if I don't do it, it doesn't get done, that is arrogance. That's the arrogance. That's how she ever is. Somebody's going to do it or it's just going to be there tomorrow.

Speaker 1:

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Speaker 2:

And I think to that point there was like this TikTok that was like take your vacation days, do everything you're supposed to do, because if you die today they gonna post your job tomorrow. So do all of the things, Because the work is still gonna get done without you. My little girl is trying to figure out the words to write in my obituary. How obituary has it made it to pen live? But my job is posted. They're already doing a candid design and I was everything to him and Madonna and I are each other's. I'm going to write her, she's going to write mine. Yeah, and we're the literary writers For everybody.

Speaker 2:

Yeah so because we're the writers, it comes to us. So they for everybody. Yeah. So because we're the wreckers, it comes to us. So they'll say madonna, we need to get right this. And she gets on the phone with bina murkagati. Same for me. You know somebody in my family passes that I'm too close to.

Speaker 1:

I'm gonna write it I didn't know the dynamic here. So she's a writer too. For her, sure, for your family, yeah, so, and it's the hardest thing.

Speaker 2:

And they call you with ease, guilty, you got to pull up. And I think that really, I think where I'm grateful for that piece is that if I'm too emotionally tied to it, like Denise can do it and she knows enough about it, you know to say, all right, cool, here's what I came up with, you know, and most of the time I don't even look at it Like I'm passing it because I don't even want to read it, you know, and so I'm grateful for that. I'm super grateful for that.

Speaker 2:

You be having my back, girl, that I'm super grateful for that, yeah, you be having my back girl, hey, so at one point I was really facing like my own was holiday and, um, we sat in the hill having lunch one day and I told her. I said they, one of the best gifts that I could give to you is one of my best friends is that I'll write my own obituary. So that's how I do it in a Google Drive, and I'll give you access to it because I don't want to put that on her because who else is going to do it? We've been doing it for each other for almost 50 years.

Speaker 1:

Wrote their own obituary. I plan to write mine, really, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I have deaf anxiety so I wouldn't even be. But I'm serious, like I dare you all this suffering with that as a child and I used to absolutely hate my parents for making me go to funerals, like literally. So to this day it's like no disrespect to anyone that passes on, but it's like if I absolutely have to go to the I don't say to penance at all, that's why I'm not there, because, for, for whatever reason, for me, like that vision the whole day, that is just lingers, yeah, forever, like not sleeping at night and I didn't know that there was a such thing as funeral anxiety. Yeah, and I I relate that back to, like my I think what drew it out of me was my godfather. He was an older man and he was like a friend of my grandmother, so he was older. But when he passed, when I was probably like nine years old, he was a very like high yellow man when he died and at his funeral he was very skinned in the casket and I did not think that that was the same person. However, he was sick, like he had cancer or something and apparently, you know, your skin can change and all these things.

Speaker 2:

A nine-year-old, I don't know. No better. I'm looking and then you got me at the funeral or you're just staring at this deceased person the whole time. I cannot do that. So I literally like position myself to where I can't see, because I just don't if I have to be there, I just don't want to be bothered with that. But I'm like very much like a. I wouldn't dare think of writing my own obituary, like I have an end of the view stick dinner. It's already closed. I'm like darn, yeah, how do you?

Speaker 1:

balance that, though, because I had someone that um that actually passed away grandmother, he had to read her casket me oh my aunt who's?

Speaker 2:

uh, she's? She just recently passed too, some months ago, but she's very obese and they were having a difficult time getting her out of the building in manhattan she in the high-rise building in New York and she missed the whole funeral. So she was not letting them take her sister without seeing her for the last time. So they had to lower the casket. You know how they do all the things, just the flower arrangements. She came and then they had to reopen it and I was just like that's a lot to be kidding me, because I was already thrown off with it to begin with. My grandmother wasn't supposed to have a open casket. My grandmother wanted to be cremated, which she did. But my mom saw that they did a beautiful job with putting her together and she felt it was necessary. So I showed up to the funeral, expecting not to see her and I walk in and her casket is open and I sat right in the back and my dad came and sat next to me and my dad said whenever you ready to go up there, because this was the viewing time, I'll walk up there with you. But yeah, so the the whole funeral service and all that, it just it's a lot for Monica and then to have to reopen the. It was just too hard. It was a lot. I will have everything planned. Choose a T.

Speaker 2:

My grandmother passed my dad's mom. She had everything and I just always joke with her. I was in Korea so she still had the insurance man come by and pick up her, check every part, and I was like you know, the person I know that got a funeral on layaway. You know, that was just like a generation, I think. But when she did pass, everything was laid out her dress, her casket was picked out, everything. So she had five boys and they moved in tandem when they went to the funeral home and they didn't have to make a choice.

Speaker 2:

So she allowed us to just more, because funerals can bring out the worst. That no, like it might be a 500 insurance policy and everybody want a piece of it, like that's talking out right, it was none of that. Everything was laid out and really her only like demand was don't put any red roses, red flowers on the caskets. And so I'll never forget. We're like in the limousines and we're pulling off from the uh, from william howard day, and somebody not knowing had pulled one from a wreath and set it on it and my dad hops out the limit. He's going to bogey runs and he goes and he grabs it and being sure that it's not on there so we could like even in death we could honor her, and we're always like that's all we had to worry about, had the same, just play it, don't make sure it's on there. I was on the asking, they didn't have to worry about anything.

Speaker 1:

One thing I do recommend. I do recommend, if you like, don't want to attend a funeral just from experience, especially if it's someone that's close to you and you want to be there to support them. You call them and let them know yes, because I had the mistake of someone that was near and dear to me. They lost their father right, and I just the anxiety. I can't. I don't do funerals unless it's someone that you know that's directly For the unit.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You know. So, grandfather, you know parents, that's it. Anything else. I'm just like I could support you in every other way by just going to do the funeral thing. I'll send flowers, I'll send flowers, or I'll cook, I'll do it. I'm lying, I don't cook, jesse will cook, jesse will cook Whatever. Something, no, but just let them know. Because of that, it took us a while to mend our relationship, because they thought that I just wasn't there to support I was getting selfish. It has nothing to do with that at all. It has everything to do with I just know the capacity that I have.

Speaker 2:

I dealt with that with my family, with my aunt who just passed, which was my grandmother's sister. The same aunt that I was saying had to be brought to the that came to the funeral late and, um, she passed and my family wasn't too happy that I didn't come um one not to sound selfish, but the day wasn't convenient one, I don't, they live in New York, I'm that's three and a half hours away from me, so I was just kind of like well, the day's not working. But, to be honest, I told my mother my mom knows me and I told her I was just like I I'm sorry but I just I'm not feeling like yeah, and I always relate my aunt back to my grandmother's funeral because of the, the experience right. However, my grandmother's funeral was like probably the toughest funeral for me because I watched my mom lose her mom. That was a whole other experience in itself because I'm very close with my mom.

Speaker 2:

My mom was very close with her mom and my mom was a totally different person in this process, like even to the last viewing before them closing the casket, and you go up to like view and my mom and was like hysterical, yeah, I'm going up there to consult her and she's snapping out at me and I'm just like mom, it's me, and she's like I don't care, don't touch me. So that whole experience was just like one that I would just never like to to deal with again. But it was a lot watching my mom lose her mom. So, uh, yeah, I and my mom knows me like I'm very blunt and upfront wouldn't have the conversations with her, just like I can't. I just don't want to put myself through the trying to like get over that experience and just the viewing, and I just wanted, I don't want to, I don't want to see her like that for the last time. How I remember her, the last time I saw her, is how I want to remember her.

Speaker 1:

I will you see how one question led to all of this? Yeah, we didn't make the trip. We did not. We did not Tell us. What season are you in your life? I think God, at this point in time I'm just one. I'm growing closer to that. That's us. I know you were saying like what's beating me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, right now is really the word of God, and I think when you get to this age, you start knocking on 50, you have to start asking yourself some questions, right? And then when you look around and unfortunately see people dying younger and younger, it's like I'm in this season where my happiness, my boundaries and my relationship with God are the utmost important to me, and that's so that when God is ready to call me home, I'm going to be okay. My mom always says this thing and she's like when I go, it's okay because it is well with my soul. I hate that Me mom always says this thing and she's like when I go, it's okay because it is well with my soul. I hate that Me and my sister are like no, it's not well with our soul. I hate that. I hate that they don't say I hate that I'm learning to understand what she means by that Right, because I want to be able to be at that point that it will be well with me because I did the things that I wanted to do.

Speaker 2:

I've traveled to the places that I wanted to travel to. I've experienced the experiences and I didn't overextend myself to the point where I lived for other people and didn't live for me. So that's really where I'm at. So it's a lot of saying no. It's a lot of setting boundaries, which is difficult for the people who use it. Like look at Shonda, yeah, it's difficult for her, but I'm at that. I'm at that point. And then, just again, some of the same sentiments finding out who I am Again, some of the same sentiments bonding out who I am. I had Jake Hays in my senior year of college, three days, four days before graduation oh my gosh. So I've been in that mold. And then my mom was a single mom, so help her with my sisters. I've been in that mold for so long that now that the house is just Julius and I, we truly enjoy each other's company, but sometimes even with him, I'm like.

Speaker 1:

I got too much. Punch me in the nanny. In my time I'll be in the office, right, sorry, I need those moments because then I can sit there alone with myself and say what's next for me?

Speaker 2:

What's next for me?

Speaker 1:

What does Treshawn want to do? To do, yeah, so that's where I am, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I think something that put um a lot of perspective, a lot of things into perspective for me was, maybe like a month or two ago, there was a girl who passed away with my exact same birthday really, my exact same birthday, same day, same month, same year. We are the exact same age and she was like a lawyer and she had all of these things accomplished and all these people were posting about her. She's from Philly. All these people were posting about her and I saw yeah, I saw her birthday and was like I did see that and I called Candace this girl just.

Speaker 2:

I got so emotional because it's like, if he just took me tomorrow, am I like, am I ready? Have I done everything I'm supposed to do? Like is like, am I right with God? I'd like to think that I am, you know, but it's like, if he took me tomorrow and I don't think she was sick or anything, you know, it was just like is it just? Is it that kind of thing? It's just like that, and I'm like 44 really, you know.

Speaker 2:

So it's just like it jarred my system, like it was crazy, and it's like, normally, you know, somebody's like 50, somebody's 60. Like it's not, it's sad, but it's like I'd never seen anybody who passed at my exact same birthday. And I was like, oh my God, I was born in Philadelphia. I'm like we might've been born in the same hospital, right? No? And it's like our lives are parallel and it's like what am I supposed? What am I supposed to do and what am I supposed to do? And it's like I fight this feeling like I'm running out of time. Oh my god, oh my god, because I feel like there's so much that's still left to be done and I feel like I have more years behind me than ahead of me and it's like I just feel like I'm racing against the clock and I work with my therapist because I'm like I gotta get off of this feeling, but I feel like all the time people are leaving this place and that's also why I feel like I have to do so much. Yes, that's where I had to learn what my health scare.

Speaker 2:

Back in February, if you got a, some of you don't know, they thought I had a blood clot, um, in my leg, which is like again, you go, go, go. You don't pay attention. Something was wrong with my leg and I could feel that something was wrong with my leg. However, I'm just equating it to oh, I've been baking every day and I'm standing on my feet. I do this a lot, so that's just what it is. And then, eventually, it was like okay, god's like okay. The beginning of the week, I gave you a couple days to give you this little bit of warnings. Now, towards the end of the week, I'm going to make this morphine sustained by the weekend. I'll sit down. The emergency the night sit down. So I'm like Google University. I'm looking up to see, like, well, you know, that's the worst, they'll have you in a cast.

Speaker 2:

From number one, being completely healthy. I've never had to take medications, I've never had anything wrong that I'm thinking, okay, what, what could be going on in my laying that's, you know, bothering me to the point where the night before I ended up in the emergency room I'm putting the hot, uh, uh, heating pad on my leg and I have my leg propped up and I'm massaging it and it's just like getting more irritated and I'm like, okay, if my leg feels like this in the morning, I'm gonna go to urgent care. And from urgent care I ended up in the emergency room to find out that I had a blood clot in my leg. So a blood clot ultimately resulted in me being on blood thinners now indefinitely and I'm like indefinitely, like that doesn't even sit well with me because we can't pinpoint where the blood clot came from. I don't smoke, I haven't been on like a flight for a long period of time where I'm sitting. I didn't have an injury, I didn't have a surgery, like all these things we're going through to figure out how did I get this blood clot? And nothing's coming about. I've gotten blood tests done. I've gone to a hematologist the last round of figuring this out. Next month I have to go see a vein specialist because I do have my same leg, where the blood clot was in my calf, some varicose veins forming, so they want to check that out to rule out, to see if that could have caused it. But if not, then there's nothing to pinpoint where I got this blood clot from.

Speaker 2:

And the hematologist is basically like if we can't figure it out, I don't feel comfortable taking you off of them. She was like it's gone, the one that you had. However, it can come back, and not to say it's going to come back in your leg, and where it can come back it can be deadly. So she's like I don't feel comfortable taking you off of them and I'm like, okay, well, can we revisit me on this medication, like in another few months, because indefinitely I'm only 43, like I. It was a point where that happened and then I had some kind of injury to my other ankle that I ended up having to wear a brace for. So I have all these medications sitting on my nightstand and I'm like I feel like 70 years old for all these nights, how you go from being completely healthy to now you fully medicated. But yeah, so it's just, it's health wise, I had to, like, stop trying to take on all the things.

Speaker 2:

However, I'm also in a space where I feel like I can't not take on all the things because, you know, financially I need to, you know, be able to take care of my household and my kids. I have grown kids, but they are also very much dependent for me, so that, even having that conversation, unfortunately my middle son is away. He's incarcerated, and it's also a matter of having these repeated conversations with your kids about who they hang out with. You know, I sacrifice a lot for me kids to not be in certain environments. However, they seek them, they seek these environments and you know I was struggling as a single mom to pay $900 to $1,000 a month of rent, compared to $500 a month of rent, because I didn't want my kids in certain areas.

Speaker 2:

However, we are now in the days of social media because at one point, when I was working in the city, in the school district, a lot of kids knew my son and I'm like, how do you even know him? He never even stepped foot in this the square district, so like, but they're acquainted through you know mutual friends and things and you know like it's a, it's a hard place to be in with my older two kids, because that even thinking about like what if I'm not here? That's already. What I'm scared is like, what are they going to do without me? Yeah, because I feel like I was trying to put them in a space to, like you know, be fully sufficient for themselves. And that is where I struggle, like where do I feel as a penurhant?

Speaker 1:

I think you should give yourself grace though.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, go ahead, denise, go with them in a place she did thank you, and at what point do you accept and acknowledge that the choices and consequences are theirs? Yes, I think, at the same time as a mom. That's very hard, very sure, my son being away, it's like he's consistently calling me, like I, I can't save him. So I struggle with that a lot because he's like mom, can you do this? Can you call this person? It's almost like he wants me to walk in and be like let my son out and I can't do that and and. But you can continually say to him is no, and I love you, right, every time he mulls and asks you something no, I can't, and I love you because those two are not mutually exclusive. Right, because you're not doing for him, does it mean that you don't love him? You still love him, right? However, uh, kind of the weight of that is he. Some days he's just got to walk out. There are things that your parents would have loved to just raise their hand and take it away from you, but they couldn't. That is so true. And that's the hard conversation, because I'm scared to him Like I wish you would have just listened. Yes, and it was actually.

Speaker 2:

I felt guilt because I put him out, but this was years of me threatening him. All right, enough is enough. And then, like a few days after Christmas, this past December, I put him out because he just Well, hold on a second. Because you didn't put him out. You set a boundary, dan. Well, yeah, hold on a second. Hold on just for a second. Because you didn't put him out. You set a boundary, dan. Well, yeah, you set a boundary. He decided that he couldn't adhere to that boundary. That's right. He made the decision to go, yes, but I still felt guilt after the fact because, ultimately, with him not being under my shelter after the fact, because, ultimately, with him not being under my shelter, I felt like this is what resulted in him, you know, being in spaces that he shouldn't have been granted. I know he made the decision to be there and I'm trying to support him as best I can, but it's almost like he's 20, about to be 22 as well, and it it's almost like suck five.

Speaker 1:

And he wants me to come like save him. And Ajman, what do you have? Mom guilt, which is so prevalent in today's society. So one thing you have to do is one you can't be an enabler. I can talk from experience. You cannot.

Speaker 1:

So what's going on with young mothers raising young men right To be men is we can't raise them Right. I'd be the first one to say it. It's like how dare you say that? Because I have a son, so I know from experience. If it had not been for my husband, I truly believe that my son may have faced going to prison or being swayed a different way, because I don't know the life or the language or the experiences that men have to speak to it Right. So one don't feel guilty. You did the best you could with the resources that you had. Yeah, the second thing is. The second thing is he's going to have to learn how to fail forward and it's going to be as painful as it is. You cannot enable him, you cannot. You can talk to him and say this is what I would suggest you do, but he's going to make a decision and you cannot feel guilty about the decisions he made.

Speaker 2:

And I'll tell you so. When my little brother went to jail right, he only needed $300 to get out my mom called me and she called both of my brothers and she said if you get that boy out of jail, you will have a problem with me, because he needs to sit so that he can hear from God. He has not had an encounter with God, he needs to have one. I know it's not going to, y'all could get him out. Y'all could get him out today, cause when we're like how much is it? All right, $300 is nothing Like we about to go get him. He sat for six months for $300 and he never went to jail.

Speaker 1:

He never went to jail, that would be, and he never went to jail.

Speaker 2:

He never went to jail. That was the case for my son and I mean, even though I struggled with the guilt of you know not, that's natural. I can't really do anything. You did something that warned you to be there. Absolutely, you're being accused of something, but I also felt like I've been telling him for so many years he's always guilty by association. It's because of the type of people he wants to hang with. He's never really the one directly doing anything. He's always around. He's been in place at the wrong time. Why are you there so this? We've had hard conversations and you know, just maybe two weeks ago he called me. He's emotional on the phone.

Speaker 2:

The conditions where he is is not all that great and I said it's not supposed to be. The in the hopes is that this is your one situation, that you won't end up back there. However, you know I I'm adding insult to the injury at this point by saying to you I've told you this a million times watch who you're hanging with. Don't be in these certain places or certain areas. You had the opportunity to be home. However, you didn't want to follow the rules that were going on here and what I required get a job. You know he didn't want to to go to school. The the fight was to get him to graduate high school, so, like, let's even start there. So to get him across that stage to graduation. I was hoping that that accomplishment would catapult him into, you know, wanting to do other things. However, and did it, and I gave him a little bit of time to figure it out. I he had more time than he should have, but I said if you don't want to go straight to school or get into a trade or something, I'm going to give you a year to figure out what you want to do. But you have to have a job. And, of course, at that age he's probably had 15 different jobs, because he has one for a couple of weeks and then he gets a paycheck and there's no job anymore. You're there everywhere. It's kind of like I was asking him for the last months before I told him to actually leave. You know you have to do something consistent because, yes, you're not, you're my child. However, you're about to be 21. And I'm not at 19.

Speaker 2:

I was living on my own. I had a baby. I had a baby at five months. By the time, my son was five months old, I was moved out of my parents' house. So my dynamics and how. I can't expect that from my kids.

Speaker 2:

However, just how I was, I expected them to just be in a different place, especially at this age where you know you're putting yourself in a position to be fully self-sufficient, like you know. But I never just like so dependent on me. That's the struggle, even with my 25 year old. He was out in the house for a little while and then he had to come back home and he's at his fair share of things that he's been dealing with and trying to get him back on track. But I'm like you're 25 and you still don't like have your own things. Like you don't have your own car. You're not, as 26, have your own house. Like what are we working towards here? Because you can't stay with me forever.

Speaker 2:

But I think too, because, as moms who had their kids very early, and the hustle and the push, like I remember working three jobs and I did all of this to make sure Christmas happens and school and all of these things that we're doing by ourselves, and it's like I got this hustle in me why you don't have this same hustle. Where is the hustle at. Well, we all throw that. Did she see this lazy? And I don't feel bad because I throw that in my kids' face. Say that again. We have to be our daughters and love our sons. Oh, we coddle them more. Well, I tell my kids all the time you gotta, there's this expectation and you're supposed to do all of these things. So then when you're 17, you're a fully functional adult, like just common sense, and boys don't know how to do anything. Nones get push in 30, over 30, in that kind of situations they let home.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and my parents both worked. So I took and I'm the oldest of all of my siblings, I'm probably eight or nine years older. So my mom got. My dad is my stepdad, but that's my dad. He's been with my mom since I was six. My mom and my stepdad have two sons together, but my stepdad had a son with him. Then my mom got together and I'm older than all three of them. All of them are brothers. That's my dad. But my parents both worked.

Speaker 2:

So I was responsible for making dinner, cooking. That's why our cooks, why she cooks now, because I had my mom's like listen, I'm gonna work till six o'clock, I'm right? Yeah, home till six, I'm not coming, I'm not coming home. So I was responsible for making sure my brothers got home from school. We had dinner, all those things. I was that kid so I've always been responsible and thinking. Even when my brothers were babies, I used to come home from school, do my homework, go, get them, take them in my room with their bottles and their diapers and give my mom a break because she was home all day with the newborn, and take them right in my room and keep them until the time of the all would have starved until she got correct. Absolutely my brothers. They care about nothing, but I love eat that fish and show them with my brothers now, because they call me first for everything, literally like you're their second mom literally yeah, yeah, it's just interesting, like you learned to cook, like taking care of your brothers, right, I had such an aversion to it.

Speaker 2:

Like my mom would be like oh, like, don't you want to come in the kitchen to help me? No, I'm over here, you know. But when I was at my grandparents house because I spent a good deal of time at my grandparents house my grandmother would be like or my, even my grandfather oh, in order to get a, this is what you need to do. We have to learn how to tie a tie to get a husband. You need to learn how to cook in order to get a husband. This is your grandmother, this is my grandmother and my grandfather. They would both say it Like my grandpa. I remember him standing. He had somewhere to go. He's like come here, girl. He's like um, here I'm gonna teach you how to tie a tie, because that's how you get a husband. Like.

Speaker 2:

That's like everything was predicated around like in order to, you have to be this yeah, in order to do all of these things, you got to learn how to take care of a man, you know. And so everything that I learned, all of these things that I learned, even like the first thing that I learned how to cook like I knew like when I moved out on my own and I had my son, the only thing I knew how to make was brownies and lasagna. Because I knew how to make. I could make brownies, yeah, I could make. I could make brownies with my eyes closed. And I can make lasagna, because I needed to learn how to make lasagna so I could have a husband like that was the thing it's on was the winner.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that was so when I be trying to like hey, I be trying to impress a man.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to make lasagna, like I'm going to make it and I made it so much that now, even like in dating and stuff like, I would tell somebody like, oh, if I make lasagna that means I love you, like because it takes all day.

Speaker 1:

You know, I think it takes all day. Remember, wait, what's the head camera? What's the head camera? What's this one right here, If she makes lasagna for you? Just know she's in love, Right I?

Speaker 2:

love you, I love you. Go make lasagna at Kikasi. But those things, it's like so many things were predicated and waited upon. Trying to be a wife, you know, and it's just wow, like it's wow. That's something that I'm unlearning to like.

Speaker 1:

I'm unlearning that had to take two seconds to thank Allstate Insurance for sponsoring this episode. If you're looking for a car life or casualty insurance, they're going to be your ultimate insurance company. Thank you, Rob Shaw. With Allstate Insurance.

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Erica Rawls

Host